Financial Red Flags in Relationships

In my years as a financial adviser, I've heard countless stories. Some make me smile. Others make me want to scream.

What I've learned: money behaviour often reveals character. And financial red flags frequently precede relationship problems.

Here are the warning signs every woman should know.

The Major Red Flags

1. You're Not Allowed to Know

Warning signs:

• They won't discuss income or spending
• You don't have access to joint accounts
• They get angry when you ask about money
• Post is hidden or intercepted

Why it matters: In a healthy relationship, both partners know the financial situation. Secrecy suggests control or deception.

2. They Control All the Money

Warning signs:

• You have to ask for money for basic purchases
• You're given an "allowance" and must account for every penny
• They make all financial decisions unilaterally
• Your name isn't on major assets

Why it matters: Financial control is a form of abuse. Full stop.

3. Debt Appears Out of Nowhere

Warning signs:

• Credit card bills you didn't know about
• Loans taken without discussion
• Bailiffs at the door
• "Don't worry about it, I'm handling it"

Why it matters: Hidden debt suggests gambling, addiction, or simply dishonesty. All are serious.

4. They're Financially Irresponsible But Won't Change

Warning signs:

• Consistent overspending despite agreeing to budget
• Refuses to save for anything
• "YOLO" attitude to money despite consequences
• Priorities personal spending over family needs

Why it matters: Money problems are the #1 cause of relationship stress. Someone unwilling to address them is choosing conflict.

5. They're Financially Dependent and Don't Want to Change

Warning signs:

• Consistently unemployed by choice
• No contribution to household (financial or otherwise)
• Your money is "ours" but their money is "theirs"
• Excuses for every financial setback

Why it matters: Imbalanced contributions breed resentment. Choosing not to contribute is different from being unable to.

The Subtle Red Flags

Financial Gaslighting

• "You're imagining things"
• "I never said that"
• Making you doubt your memory of financial agreements

Future Faking

• Constantly promises financial improvements
• Big plans but no action
• "Next month I'll..." (but they never do)

Weaponising Generosity

• Gives gifts but throws them back during arguments
• "After everything I've bought you..."
• Uses money to manipulate emotions

Different Rules

• Their spending is fine, yours is wasteful
• Their debt is "investment," yours is "irresponsible"
• Double standards in financial behaviour

What Healthy Looks Like

For contrast, healthy financial relationships include:

• Open, regular conversations about money
• Both partners knowing the full picture
• Shared goals (even if different approaches)
• Fair contribution relative to ability
• Mutual respect for spending differences
• Individual autonomy within agreed boundaries

If You See Red Flags

Step 1: Assess Your Situation

• Do you have money in your name?
• Do you know the full financial picture?
• Could you survive independently if needed?

Step 2: Start Protecting Yourself

• Open an account they don't know about
• Start small savings
• Keep copies of important documents
• Know your credit score

Step 3: Have the Conversation (If Safe)

• Choose a calm moment
• Use "I" statements
• Be specific about concerns
• Suggest concrete changes

Step 4: Get Support

• Talk to someone you trust
• Contact a financial adviser
• If there's abuse, contact support services

Resources If You Need Help

• National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247
• Women's Aid: womensaid.org.uk
• Surviving Economic Abuse: survivingeconomicabuse.org
• Citizens Advice: for financial and legal guidance

A Final Thought

Money problems in relationships are common. Red flags don't always mean the relationship is doomed—sometimes they indicate issues that can be worked through.

But consistent patterns of financial secrecy, control, or irresponsibility rarely improve without intervention. Trust your instincts. Protect yourself. You deserve a partner who treats you—and your financial security—with respect.

Whatever your situation, knowing where you stand financially is empowering. Our free Financial Health Check is completely confidential.